It was my Mum’s birthday at the start of April. My Dad, Sister, Brother-in-Law, nieces and I went on holiday with her in Suffolk for a few days. I took some photos so here are some photos. You must click on any photos that you like to see the bigger version, okay?

Read More

I haven’t done a blog for a while so here’s a dump of recent photos with high-quality annotations. To begin: it was my birthday on 1st March and by way of celebrating I played a gig as part of Cambridge Band Competition. You can watch my set here! I did not win the judges’ vote but I won the loudest cheer over all the heats so I’m through to the final - yippee! The final is on 5th April and you can get tickets here. Come and have a nice time with me please.

Also on my birthday I received many nice birthday wishes and cards. My friend Becky baked me a cheesy “S” as an edible component to the card she gave me look check it out:

Becky is the front stern one, Ned is the back one concentrating with his whole face.

Here are different people holding it.
Johnboy smells Mel’s smells as Mel smells and smells smells.

Here are other different people holding it.
Chloe picks a winner while Andrzej picks the winning hairstyle of ‘94.

That’s me with the cheesy S. I love it but I ate it.

Last Wednesday I went to see Louis CK at the O2 arena. He was very funny and I laughed all the time. It was pretty nuts that 20,000 people had gathered there to watch a lone man talk about his balls etc. I’ve never been to a comedy show that big before, it was a weird thing! But it was good, and that is that. Before we went to the show we drank a couple of cheap beers in the park like classy aristocats. My buddy Chris had a few left so he hid them in his bag to sneak past security. I am not joking when I say he made it through the bag check station like this:

Great hiding, Chris! Thorough job, Security!

This is what my far away view of the stage was like. It did get annoying that Emily and Paul wouldn’t stop staring and thumbs upping me right in the face, but I was too polite to say anything.

Here are some other assorted photos:

Chloe has got a man’s shadow don’t tell anyone.

This is a pretty good deal.

Paul drinks water politely in restaurants.

This is what my mantlepiece looks like. I have never heard the band Nebula but the poster is rad, so there.

I bought this poo cake off a student at a school I’m doing a project in. She said she was selling it to raise money for their Summer ball, and that it was 100% chocolate but later I saw the kids spend the money on cough syrup and when I bit the cake it was actually poo. Joke’s on them though, coz I love poo.

That’s it for now, thanks for stopping by, I love you.

Simon
x

The other weekend I was going through a bunch of old stuff, including things I’d made as a child. Looking at these drawings and notes I’d taken time over as a tiny kid I realised I was pretty wise back then, and I did well to leave these notes to remind myself of important things. I’d like to share them with you now, because maybe you will remember or even learn important things too. Open your mind and absorb these things to know:

Thing to know: Sharks do eat you. Blue whales do not eat you.

Thing to know: Pirates are excellent.

Thing to know: BMXs were, are, and always will be completely rad. Even with stabilisers.

Thing to know: Bart Simpson has a rocket powered skateboard and a top with a rocket powered skateboard on it.

Thing to know: Jokes. Where do you weigh a whale? At a whale-weigh station. Knock knock? (Who’s there?) Boo. (Boo hoo?) There there, these jokes aren’t that bad.

Thing to know: Do not tell anyone anything. Buy snap. (Snap was a magazine for kids and it was really great.)

Thing to know: Spiders feel sad too.

Thing to know: Teenager going to the pub is good. Teenager getting drunk is bad.

Thing to know: Once upon a time two bits of wool and a wizard came and magicked them to life and they played cards and then they were getting old the end.

Thing to know: Ghosts are actually pretty OK guys. If you go to the Ghost Castle, ring the bell, say “excuse me” to the guard, say “where is the king” to the jester and then follow the jester you will find that here is the king and the king will say “hallo”. Decent chaps.

Thing to know: Be Love. Do Art.

So there you go, there’s a bit of wisdom from 6 year old me. Don’t forget to be love and do art.

Last weekend I was at my parent’s house for two reasons. One was that it was my niece’s birthday and I was giving her presents - a notebook and a Katsuma toy from Moshi Monsters (I have no idea what that is either). The other was that I had to sort through loads of my old stuff from primary and secondary school and throw some things away. It was quite emotionally draining.

The thing that struck me was that it felt like I was going through a dead person’s things, but it was me. It was sad. Like that version of me is done - I can’t be that person again. I can never be in that time of my life again. Like any time, I guess, but there’s something melancholy about throwing away even a maths workbook that I’d never look at, because it represents me aged 8 or 12 or whatever, like I was throwing 8 year old me away. It’s weirdly disconnected because that person is still inside me, really.

Also it was kind of heavy reading 5 years of secondary school work feedback - “could be neater”, “I feel like you’re not applying yourself” etc. and it made me think SCHOOL SUCKS, YO!

I mean, I was smart and I got good grades at GCSE and everything, but goddamn, flicking through all the work I did I remember that feeling of “Why do I have to actually do this? This is boring. I don’t care about this AT ALL.”

And even though you don’t want to do it, and even if you try your hardest, the worth of it is still at the whim of some dude who might not like the colours you chose, or the adjectives you used, or the fact that you didn’t use a ruler for your bar graph about pond life.

So ultimately, the positive I took away from the experience is that being an adult, while it has its downsides and stressful facets, is actually pretty great. If I don’t want to draw a map of a central business district, or write an essay on what it was like to be a pig in Tudor times, I don’t have to.

I can draw a map of Party Land or write an essay on what’s it’s like to be a minotaur from the future with a gun that shoots fireworks, if I want to.

I AM THE HEADMASTER OF MY OWN LIFE!

When I’d finished I had some crumpets with my family, then I went to a punk gig in a pub and the music they played with such vigour had a certain shonkiness to it that made me feel happy. Maybe the chords were a little sloppy, or the notes were a little off, but goddamn it they were playing their own songs, the songs that they wanted to play, and they were enjoying the heck out of it. And that’s the point, really.

I don’t want to write an essay about being a Future Minotaur, but I do want to draw a map of Party Land.

I guess it could be neater, and maybe I didn’t apply myself fully, but I wanted to do it and I did it. What I’m getting at is this: Do what you want to do because you are the Headmaster of your own life.

(Motivational chalkboard seminars and personalised mortarboard merchandise coming soon - will be expensive for you, but I won’t mind because millionaires don’t care about anything.)

Love,
Simon
x

If I was better at self promotion I would build a giant effigy of myself with a massive phallic crown and I would ride around on the crown shouting “I AM THE BEST, EVERYONE.” Unfortunately at the moment all I’ve made is a Fymo model of myself without a crown, or feet or a face, and I hide it in a draw. Sometimes I mumble “I am the best, everyone,” when I’m sure nobody is in earshot.

But listen, I’ve got to get better at it. Because in this age it is those that shout loudest that get the loot, and I want some loot. Now, by way of describing what loot I want, I shall highlight my best personal qualities and slyly promote myself.

LOOT I WANT:

• I want a big house with a swimming pool, and the swimming pool is full of lemonade. This shows I am good at sharing (there is no way I could drink that much lemonade).
• I want one of those wacky St. Patrick’s day Guinness hats but made out of diamonds so I can wear it when I drink Secret Guinness. It would represent how I’m accepting of all different cultures (apart from old people). You probably haven’t heard of Secret Guinness because it’s for rich folk only, which I will be when I have all this loot. Also there is Secret Bovril which is made out of rhino beef, but I don’t think I’ll care much for that.
• I want a golden shopping trolley with a flame paint job to show how quick I am at shopping because I only buy baked beans then get the heck out of there.
• I want an actual dinosaur, representing how I’m good with animals (not including swans).
• I want the dinosaur to come to me when I shout its name, and I want it to fetch my slippers, which would be made from original 70s Muppet hides, and when it poos I want the poo to be caviar and I want my associates to come round for dinner and we’ll eat the dinosaur pooviar and chuckle about how stupid everyone else is. This shows how I am good at conversations.
• I want a cocktail party to display that I am a fun person. The cocktails would have balloon animals in them instead of cocktail sticks. The balloon animals would be made by David Blaine who has been paid to wear a sequinned jacket and an oversized bow tie. He is still in a corner trying to weird everybody out but nobody cares because they’re having too much fun because of me, and the balloons.

I suppose the thing I’m trying to say is that I am the best, and please promote me so that I don’t have to, and so that I can one day have a robot donkey battle with Justin Bieber.

(I think I might win, but only if I cheat. I would pull out one of the wires in his donkey before we battled so it only turned left. He’d be going round and round saying “I’m not doing this! What’s happening?!” and then my robot donkey would come out of nowhere and kick him right in the face, and I’d punch the air and say “YESSSSS!” and then I’d freezeframe and the credits would roll and say “BEST PERSON WORLDWIDE: SIMON PANRUCKER” and my parents would shake hands with each other and say “I knew it.”)

We’re three days into 2013, and I think that’s more than enough to project the rest of the year from, so I’m going to stick my neck out and make a few predictions for 2013.

First of all, I think there will be slides or poles instead of stairs in people’s houses, because I’ve been drawing pictures of that since primary school and it’s about time really. To get upstairs there is a suction pipe and when you get out at the top you pull a face like “Whooaaooaa!” because your hair is all a mess and your glasses are wonky. If you come out of the pipe at the same time as another person it might look like you have been up to no good in there so it might be funny if you tug on your collar like “Crikey, that was more than I bargained for!” But actually it was just the wind from the suction pipe, and everyone knows this but they’ll still clap and nod with laughter because it’s suggestive. It might be annoying that your hair and glasses get messed up whenever you go upstairs but eventually people will realise that slides and poles are so fun that almost anything is worth it.

After the decline of 3D films, 2013 will see the introduction of a new type of cinema called “2 2D”, which is just two 2D films played simultaneously on either side of the room. It will be popular for conversation scenes only, so more of an arthouse gimmick really. Possible feature length hit where two extraverts vie for your attention.

Music in general will become more bass heavy, and personal music players will compensate with the introduction of lung implants that turn your entire diaphragm into a subwoofer. It will make it difficult to talk without sounding like a turbo cow, but, dang, the bass will be phat. It might also make it difficult to use your diaphragm for breathing so liquid oxygen rinse for lungs will be the new club drug in rooms of partiers blaring bass from gaping mouths, eyes bulging as they gasp for breath. MCs shouting “Rinse out!” will become lifeguards.

As people continue to struggle financially funnel hats will gain in popularity - the funnel being used to catch money that falls out of other people’s pockets. If you don’t know what a funnel hat is try to imagine a funnel stuck on a hat because that’s a funnel hat right there. There will be a new law that if you catch the money in your funnel hat it is legally yours so bend low with your funnel hat on and run around all you want but it’s your fault if you headbutt a bollard.

2013 is the year people will develop flying abilities (finally!) thanks to GM rice done in the microwave. No one will know how the GM rice done in the microwave gave everyone flying abilities (it will be to do with science), but no one will care because flying is actually great.

Unfortunately wet wipe prices will skyrocket as badly-microwaved-rice-based-food-poisoning leads to constant airborne squit hat-funnel disasters.

Everything will continue to be not as good as it could be, but more people will try harder, so that’s quite encouraging.

In conclusion: I hope you have a great 2013.

x

It seems like a lot of popular blogs have a list at the end of the year, which are very popular posts, and I want to be popular as much as anyone (especially you, you stupid nerd), so here is my list for the end of 2012:

1. Bees.
2. An orange.
3. Ploughs.
4. When a thing makes a noise.
5. Dragons / Wasps.

I hope that’s enough, please share and retweet etc.

Love,

Simon